Being the strict rule follower that I am and knowing all of the best workplace practices, I have made the bold choice to shit where I eat and started a relationship with someone from work. Now I know they always say not to dip the pen in the company ink, but it had been a minute since this ink well had any pens even considering a dunk, OK.
As you may have guessed, I am an AMAZING girlfriend— ask my boyfriend, I have trained him to say yes. Now being the amazing girlfriend that I am, I want to make sure that he knows just how much I care by completely ignoring his existence at any work function. I mean just say the word “work” and I go from “I love him!” to “Who Dat?” In two seconds flat.
There isn’t even a policy against dating, but we don’t need the business knowing OUR business. So, I go above and beyond to ensure our coworkers are none the wiser— we’ve “met for the first time” 436 times. We drive separately, I use his full name and refuse to look him directly in the eye. I have gone as far as to mispronounce his name in meetings to avoid detection.
Now, you may think that going to such lengths is silly, childish even. Well let me tell you, you do not know the measures that Jennifer from Accounting will take to get what she needs to splash your dirty secrets across the pages of the company newsletter. I have seen that woman block bathroom stalls until women either spill their secrets or their urine. So, I keep my head down, my mouth shut and an extra pair of pants in my drawer.
So ladies, take my advice if you choose to date someone from the local labor pool— if he has the audacity to approach you at work and speak to you directly, simply say “Excuse me sir, do I know you?” and keep your reputation clean and your pants dry.
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