It was the last day at my part-time job before I started my “real” job and we were celebrating my future success complete with an entirely too large sheet cake. We all stuffed our faces to the max, but there was still about half of that big fella left. When it was time for me head out, the remaining cake was my final parting gift.
Before heading home, I decided to be a responsible adult and blow my entire part-time paycheck on clothes. So, I was driving to the mall with my half sheet cake riding shotgun when the car in front of me stopped short. I slammed on the brakes and my frosty friend hit the floor face first! I rushed to get him back upright, but alas, it is too late— He had succumbed to car floor disgustingness, never to be eaten again.
As I continued on my way, I apologized to my friend that his deliciousness was wasted by my carelessness and I vowed to give him the proper trash can burial he deserved. Then what did I spy with my little eye? Was that my ex-boyfriend’s car parked in the lot of the swanky Red Lobster? I pulled a hard right and headed to the lot for closer inspection.
YES, IT MOST DEFINITELY WAS HIS CAR! Now this was not the car of an ex-boyfriend where we shook hands and wished each other the best— OH NO! This man cheated on me with his Biology partner who was “just a friend”. BULLSHIT, that asshat had his Bunsen burner on full blast in fire island.
As I sat there remembering the fury I once felt, I glanced at my crumbling co-pilot and thought he deserved so much more than a receptacle reception. I snatched him up and b-lined it to the driver side of the car where I promptly smashed his remains on the windshield— swirling him into cake crumble oblivion. I gave him a quick salute for his service and bolted back to my car.
I jumped in, threw the car into reverse and peeled the fuck out of there! Immediately I called my best friend to confess my crime. Tears streaming from laughing so hysterically, I couldn’t get out a damn word— It took me a solid ten minutes to stop crying and actually get a coherent story out.
Now fast forward 5 years— I was out with the same best friend and we run into the jack-ass from years past. We exchanged pleasantries and as I go to make my exit, he cracked a joke about me being single. The cake-hurling rage was ignited in me once again and I knew that this double-dealing dick needed to be taken down a notch.
“Hey, did you ever come out of work and find cake remains on your windshield?” I asked revealing my Cake Bandit identity.
“That was you? That shit froze and was IMPOSSIBLE to get off!” He yelled as if I would actually care.
Laughing I said, “It was probably as hard as it was for me to get rid of the stain of dating you from my reputation, but not as hard as it was to get rid of the syphilis you got from that skeezy hoe.”
As my friend and I made our way to the door, we had a brief moment of silence— Lost, but never forgotten, the baked good that gave so much for such sweet vindication. Until we meet again sheet cake... until we meet again.
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